- UFM 100.3
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.
She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
A bear and a rabbit are sitting the woods having a shit.
The bear looks at the rabbit and says,"Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbits says,"No... not really."
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor.
After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor.
"Then go marry the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They took her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside.
Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit asks the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn't do it."
The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"
"No. I couldn’t get on the bed!"
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...."
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
An old couple was lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. " Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
"Ten pounds," he replied.
"We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.
About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”
The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!
That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."
"We’ll send someone over."
The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!
That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"
"Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."
The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"
About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”
Tommy`s house is packed with relatives for Christmas dinner.
Grandpa calls 6 year old Tommy and starts asking about school, girlfriends and other stuff he can think of.
After a while, grandpa notices that Tommy is losing interest in the conversation so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested. A ten and a twenty dollar bill.
He shows both bills to Tommy and tells him that he can keep any one he chooses. Tommy reaches over and grabs the ten dollar bill.
Grandpa is pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was a mistake.
Again, he tells Tommy to take one of the bills and keep it.
Tommy grabs the other ten.
Grandpa again is surprised and upset.
He takes Tommy over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb Tommy is in choosing the ten over the twenty.
Grandpa goes on and on showing everyuncle and cousin and each time Tommy chooses the ten over the twenty.
Grandpa finally shows the stunt to daddy. Daddy is quite surprise but doesn`t pay too much attention at the moment.
A few hours later, daddy who is very concerned about Tommy`s poor decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference between a ten dollar bill and a twenty.
"Of course," answers Tommy.
"So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty?" asks dad.
Tommy, with a wide smile answers, "Well dad, if I would have chosen the first twenty dollar bill, do you think grandpa would have played the game fifteen more times?"
A blondine goes to a shop where they sell curtains. She says to the salesman "I want to buy pink curtains".
The salesman insures her that he has a large collectie of pink curtains and shows her different patterns but the woman found it difficult to choose.
Finaly she chooses a beautiful colour pink with flowers. The salesman asks her what the measure of the curtains must be. The woman says, "30 centimetres".
"30 centimetres"? the salesman asks, "that is very small". "for what kind of window they are?" The woman says, "Oh, they are not for a window, they are for my computer monitor".
The astonished salesman answers, "but computers have no curtains".
The blondine looks at him and says "I work with Windows".
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, You are really ugly,"
The lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly," She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly,"
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and to get rid of the bird if they didn t do something about it.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot don't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes ?"
And the bird replied, "You know."
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Oh my God!! And I bet the lying bastard also told you I was speeding!
There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn't come out.
So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, "Big chief, no fart."
The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tomorrow to tell him what happened.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, "Big chief, no fart."
The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, "Big chief, no fart."
The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, "Big chief, no fart."
The doctor gives him 1,000 cans of beans and says, "If this doesn't work then nothing will."
The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.
The doctor anxiously asked, "Well, did it work?"
The messenger boy says, "Big fart, no chief!"
Comments: That took me a second... but I got it! And then I laughed for about thirty seconds! That was a really nice joke!
-phpbb-mods
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project.
About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp.
As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries."
The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries."
The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.
There's an old man lying on his death bed...
Then he caught a whiff of chcolate chip cookies...
Those being his favourite food in the world he mustered up all his strength and went down to have one...
He went to reach one when his wife slapped him on the hand...
She said "Hey, Dont Touch Those... They're For The Funeral!"
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company.
On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him.
Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same,"
"We will always remember you," etc.
Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know.
Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"
Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "THE BEST NEWS IN 20 YEARS."
One day superman was very bored and he was just flying about when he spotted wonderwoman sprawled naked on the roof of a building
As he had always fancied her, he flew down, sh@gged her and then flew off.
Wonderwoman says "What the hell was that?" and The Invisible Man rolls off the top of her and says " I don't know but it F'reaking hurt!"
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now!
I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her friend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground, I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said "That jerk had $500 in coins!"
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He got up, cooked breakfast for his partner, woke the kids, dressed them in their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit.
He then went food shopping, drove home, put away the groceries, cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
By then it was lunchtime so he hurried to make the beds, do the washing, hoover, dust, sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
At 3pm he rushed to the school, picked up the kids, got into an argument with them on the way home and organised their homework after making supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded the washing, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
Finally he set up the ironong board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us swap back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?"
About 80 students raise their hands. "That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?"
One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it!... I thought you said `goats.'
After many months of trying to make ends meet, a couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.
Early the next morning the wife came home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband feeling guiltily, asked how she did, to which the wife replied that she earned two hundred dollars and 50 cents.
“That’s great!“ the husband replies. “But who gave you the 50 cents?”
“Everybody!” replied the wife.
Disclaimer: There is no intention to insult anyone while posting this joke.
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
One day on the road, there is one motorist. Behind the motorist there is one horse carriage.
So happen when he was driving slow due to trarffic, the horse behind the the motorist bite his ear.And causes a greater jam.
When the police came, the police fine the motorist instead of the ower of the horse carriage.
Question: Why did the police fine the motorist instead of the horse rider?
Press Ctrl + A to reveal the answer.
| It is beacuse if he was wearing a helmet the horse could not have bite his ear. The police fine him for not wearing a hemlet while riding a bike. |
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion.
I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box?
We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up."
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! A lot of Salmons, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish". But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
Question: What did the wife reply?
Press Ctrl + A to reveal the answer.
| The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box." |
A Penny For A Meaningful Thought
Message: What do you really hope to achieve in life ? Read this story and you may find that what you are always hoping to achieve, you may already have it.
There was once an American businessman who was sitting by the beach in a small Mexican village.
As he sat, he saw a Mexican fisherman rowing a small boat towards the shore and noticed that the fisherman has caught quite a number of big fishes that is known to be a delicacy. The American was really impressed and ask the fisherman,
"How long does it take you to catch so many fishes ?"
The fisherman reply " Oh, just a short while"
"Then why don't you stay longer at sea and you could catch even more ?" The businessman was astonished.
The fisherman simply does not agree, "This is enough to feed my whole family " he says.
The businessman then asked "So, what do you do for the rest of the day then? "
The fisherman reply " Well, I usually wake up early in the morning, go out to sea and catch a few fishes, then I would go back and play with my kids.
In the afternoon, I will take a nap with my wife, and when eveningcomes, I will join my buddies in the village for a drink.
We play guitar, sing and dance throughout the night. My day was ever so complete and carefree."
The businessman does not agree with his way of life and offered a suggestion to the fisherman.
I am a PhD holder graduated from Harvard University, specialises in business management. I could help you to become a more successful person.
From now on you have to spend more time at sea and try to catch as many fishes as possible. And when you have save enough money, you could buy a bigger boat and catch even more fishes.
As you go on, you will be able to afford to buy more boats, recruit more fishermen and lead a team of your own. Soon you will be able to set-up your own company, your very own production plant for canned food and do direct selling to your distributors.
At that time, you will have moved out of this village and to Mexico city, and then expand your operation to LA, and finally to New York city, where you can set-up your HQ to manage all your other branches. "
The fisherman asks, " So, how long would that take ? "
The businessman reply " About 15 to 20 years "
The fisherman continued " And after that ? "
The businessman laugh heartily " After that, you can live like a king in your own house, and when the time is right, you can go public and float your shares in the Stock Exchange, by then you will be rich, your income will be coming in by millions!! "
The fisherman ask " And after that ? "
The businessman says " After that, you can finally retire, you can move to a house by the fishing village, wake up early in the morning and catch a few fishes, then return home to play with the kids, have a nice afternoon nap with your wife, and when evening comes, you can join your buddies for a drink, play the guitar, sing and dance throughout the night!! "
The fisherman was puzzled " Isn't that what I am doing now ?? "
So what does one really hope to achieve in life, do we really need to work so hard in life ? What do you hope to accomplish in the end?
Coca-Cola was originally green.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great
Hearts - Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laserprinters all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.
Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?
Ans. - Honey
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All polar bears are left handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
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